Due to some recent confusion caused by extremely cold weather, today we check in with noted meteorological advice columnist Professor Doppler.
The professor — whose academic credentials include a Ph.D. in Cloud Technology from Cumulonimbus University and a master’s in Thunder from Kelvin State — has generously agreed to answer a few questions from readers.
The author of “Patchy Fog,” “Life in the Frost Lane” and “Nor’Easter Bunny: Friend or Foe,” he was recently honored by the Fahrenheit Foundation for his ground-breaking environmental manifesto “Global Warming Caused by Increased Activity in Hades.”
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Dear Professor Doppler —
I heard on TV that they’re blaming this recent cold snap on something called a “polar vortex.” But Rush Limbaugh says that’s just a term the liberals made up as part of their stupid global warming scam. Please tell me the truth, professor, is there really a polar vortex?
— Virginia
Yes, Virginia. There is a polar vortex. In fact, weather legend Al Roker recently took Mr. Limbaugh to task for his latest gust of misinformation. The lovable buffoon schooled the hateful hot-air balloon on the “Today” show, blowing up an excerpt from his 1956 Weatherman 101 textbook and drawing a big circle around the term “Polar Vortex.”
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Dear Professor Doppler —
Me and the missus live about 15 feet from the ocean in a house that used to be about 75 feet from the ocean. Any major upcoming weather events we should be concerned about?
— Jasper O’Dingus, Hampton
Dear Jasper —
Now that you mention it, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is said to be tracking a category 12 megastorm building strength down in Antarctica.
If, as predicted, it slams a back door cold front off the coast of Chile, much of the planet would be deluged by a rare 40-day, 40-night triple monsoon with flash-flood advisories and a 40 percent chance of tsunamis.
The threat is so severe, the agency is said to be constructing a giant boat to carry two of every animal (one male and one female) safely through the storm — a top-secret project called NOAA’s Ark.
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Hey Professor D —
How bout this weather, huh? Cold enough for you?
— Ice Cube
Good one, Cube. You sound like a really clever fellow. However, I’ll bet you didn’t know that the Eskimos have like elevendy-dozen words to describe the cold. Nowadays, their vocabulary can come in handy around these parts. Lately it seems that, on any given day, the weather may be described as bitter, bone-chilling or bum-numbing; cryogenic, bipolar or fridge-tastic; not to mention sub-glacial, grrrrrrrr and (censored).
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Dear Professor Doppler —
We’re coming up fast on Ground Hog Day.
Is there any scientific validity to the notion that a bunch of dorks in top hats yanking an extra-large rat out of a dirt cave can produce accurate data about how long winter will last?
— Ronny from Punxsutawney
Dear Ronny —
As everyone knows, I have long been an outspoken critic of the elite mainstream pro-groundhog media. In fact, just last year I proclaimed that Punxsutawney Phil was over the hill.
But new information has been supplied to me by noted groundhog (and gopher) expert Bill Murray, who maintains that — when it comes to forecasting the seasons — the much-maligned Pennsylvania rodent is the only mammal that can accurately predict nuclear winter, Arab spring, Indian summer and the fall of western civilization.
— John Breneman
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