Chapter 2: The Early Days
Much of what is known about Sarah Louise (Heath) Palin is revealed in her bestselling memoir “Going Rogue,” which details her remarkable rise from a humble log cabin in Kentucky (wait no, that was Abe Lincoln).
Baby Sarah was born Feb. 11, 1964, in a nondescript manger in Sandpoint, Idaho, but moved to Alaska just six weeks later when her parents fled the Gem State to escape the ever-present threat of socialism.
Sarah’s first word was either “moof” (moose) or “mavwick” (maverick) and she enjoyed, by most accounts, an idyllic Alaska upbringing — frolicking in her snowshoes with the Eskimo children, learning to catch salmon with her powerful jaws and mocking other children for exhibiting poor posture during the Pledge of Allegiance.
Her parents Chuck and Sally also taught her to hunt and fish, and to appreciate the great outdoors. She gunned down her first moose at age 5 — reportedly shouting “Go ahead, make my day!” at the slow-footed behemoth before blasting it in the face.
As she jokes in “Going Rogue,” she is fond of reminding outsiders that “there’s plenty of room for all Alaska’s animals — right next to the mashed potatoes.” She also quips: “If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” Click, click — boom! Friends reportedly rave about her recipe for Boneless Bald Eagle Tenders.
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Palin’s suggestion that Alaska’s close proximity to Russia enhanced her understanding of foreign policy inspired some ribbing on the campaign trail. But from the time she was a toddler, little Sarah was fascinated by her next-door neighbor the Evil Empire. And as she grew older, she loved learning about the exploits of such anti-communist heroes as Captain America, Archie Bunker and Joseph McCarthy.
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Sports have played an important role in Palin’s life and in high school her competitive spirit as a basketball point guard earned her the nicknames “Sarah Barracuda” and “Sarah the Flesh-Eating Piranha.” Former teammates say she would do whatever it took to win — even if it meant confusing a stronger opponent by calling her a Marxist heathen or accusing her of hating Alaska.
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A multitalented student-athlete, Palin was also a champion flute player, winning the Alaska Class D state title in 1982 for her rendition of “Yankee Doodle Dandy.”
Her musical skills proved valuable when she campaigned to become Miss Alaska in 1984. The perky Palin wowed talent-competition judges with a high-stepping salute to the Second Amendment in which she played the flute while juggling three shotguns and tap-dancing “The Star Spangled Banner.”
Palin now claims she only entered the beauty contest to earn scholarship funds. Same for the Junior Miss Trans-Alaska Pipeline pageant, her three Miss Skagway Convention & Visitors Bureau crowns and her reputed tryout for Playboy’s “Girls of the Bering Strait” edition.
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When the time came to make the switch to political pageantry, Palin was up for the challenge. But no more Miss Congeniality. City elections in Wasilla are nonpartisan, but when Palin ran for mayor in 1996 she knocked off three-term incumbent John Stein by portraying him as an abortion-loving fascist who might just kill your dog.
Once in office Palin went terminator — picking off Stein’s backers one by one. Public works director; gone. City planner; seeya. Museum director; history. Police chief; bang. The chief even lost a lawsuit for wrongful palination.
And though future first dude/snowmobile stud Todd Palin is the love of Sarah’s life, when his stepmother Faye Palin ran to succeed her as mayor, Sarah backed her (religious conservative) opponent. Wow. Happy Thanksgiving! You know Sarah means it when she says she doesn’t do “politics as usual.”
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However, many in Wasilla credit her with helping the city grow — bringing in a new book-burning factory that created jobs and eased overcrowding at the public library. She also modernized the school’s creationism curriculum to make sure students are exposed to the “theory” that there may also be scientific explanations for God’s creations.
On social issues, Palin described herself as tolerant of Wasilla’s pulsating gay community. She opposes same-sex marriage, kissing, snuggling and canoodling, but reportedly does approve of same-sex hugs and fist-bumps.
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Of course, winning the governor’s crown was the next rung in Palin’s scramble to the top. And in 2006, voters entrusted her with the reins to their state — a four-year job she would hold for more than two whole years before quitting.
As governor, Palin learned valuable lessons that all successful politicians must master and that would serve her well on the national stage — flip-flopping on key issues and, of course, lying about her record. (Sources say Palin required significant cosmetic surgery to reduce the size of her nose after she blurted out the whopper: “I told Congress ‘thanks but no thanks’ on that Bridge to Nowhere.”)
Her impressive conservative resume — along with her built-in appeal to the religious right and her potential to connect with disaffected Hillary voters — put Palin on the short list to become McCain’s number-two. But the real appeal was her staggering 93% “I’d hit that” rating among male voters, and McCain was eager to tap that asset for his campaign.
She also became McCain’s unofficial, cute-as-a-button, anti-Obama pit bull. And though it went largely unreported by the oblivious lamestream media, “Going Rogue” also contained subliminal right-wing messages embedded in the text. For example: If you rearrange a seemingly random sequence of letters from the fourth page of each chapter, it spells “The Barack-alypse is nigh.”
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Now with the new book, new TV show, Facebook and Twitter, there is a nonstop pipeline of chatter from Sarah Palin, whose tweets are covered as news, whether she’s slamming the first lady for fighting childhood obesity or whacking the president as “incompetent” about WikiLeaks.
One day she’s reading notes scrawled on her hand to Tea Party nation, the next she’s aiming the wrath of her 1.7 million (now 2.5 million) Facebook fans at a writer who moved next door in Wasilla to work on a book. Fortunately, Sarah sees no hypocrisy in accusing the author (Joe McGinniss) of being a stalker intent on peeping into Piper’s window, then posting a paparazzi-style picture of him on his porch, for millions to see.
But hey, that’s Sarah for ya. Why, she was even named one of America’s “Top 10 Most Bewildering People” by Barbara Walters, weirdly telling Barbara that her GOP critics are “impotent, limp.”
Next we’ll explore Palin’s meteoric rise as a business tycoon, media empress, social-networking goddess, political carnivore, Tea Party superstar, oratorical virtuoso, tabloid supermodel, bestselling author and possible commander in chief slash leader of the free world. Is she for real? Is it possible for Sarah Palin — or any human being — to all these things, and so much more?
You betcha!
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Chapter 3: BARRACUDA INC.
Fact: The Sarah Palin industry is the fastest-growing sector of the economy here in real America.