Chapter 1. Going Vogue
Wow! It’s been a wild two years since we first met Sarah Palin — the spunky, lunch-bucket, moose-carvin’, Putin-huntin’, political pitbull hockey mom America never knew it was waiting for.
Desperate to juice up his flagging campaign against that whippersnapper Obama, John McCain — distinguished Vietnam War flying ace and self-described political maverick — went rogue. Or vogue. Or both.
In a breathtaking act of political cunning, McCain busted out a stunning new running mate — the smart, beautiful governor of Alaska. A real American dreamboat who oozed patriotism and family values from every pore.
America, meet Sarah!
Flashbulbs poppin’ on the red, white and blue carpet.
Oooh, did you know she was Miss Alaska second runner-up?
Yes! Love how she tweaked Obama with that twinkle in her eye.
Who is she wearing?
Gov. Palin won rave reviews on opening night — Sept. 3, 2008 at the GOP convention in Minnesota. It was a thrill, baby, thrill!
But when an elderly, cancer-surviving presidential candidate makes you his pick to run the country if he should die of a heart attack, ideological leprosy or unmitigated gallstones — the spotlight can get a little hot.
Oops. Her daughter’s into teen pregnancy. Oops. She blanked when Katie asked what she reads to stay so misinformed.
In debates and interviews, Palin’s winks and smiles made compelling video but the audio was often gibberish.
Before you could say “You betcha!” it was hard to tell the difference between the real Sarah Palin and Tina Fey’s game-changing “Saturday Night Live” portrayal of her as a gorgeous igloo-ramus.
Plus, while that hopey-changey Obama jerk was yapping about bringing everybody together, she was on him like a pit bull on baby seal — ripping the future president for “palling around with terrorists who would target their own country.”
Ouch. Next stop: Birthers and death panels.
We would soon learn that the bright, earnest Osama — oopsy, Obama — was actually born either in Kenya, Indonesia or Nazi Germany. And that he was schooled at an elite Muslim terror academy where, by the time he reached sixth grade, he was already hating America at a ninth-grade level. Bonus: His middle name’s Hussein!
So by the time her stump speeches began inspiring cries of “treason!” and “kill him!” Sarah had pretty much knocked any remaining Palin fence-sitters into one of two camps. Supporters loved the conserve-a-licious homespun hottie with her curvy straight talk. Critics dissed her as a dizzy diva, dangerously unqualified to run the country.
But love or hate her, adore or abhor her, worship her in-your-face family values or loathe her with every fiber of your being … whether she sends a tingle up your spine or the taste of your last meal up your esophagus (OK, you get the idea) there is universal bipartisan agreement that Palin is a fascinating public figure — a 21st-century political rock star with a made-for-TV story.
The politically green, ex-beauty queen from the Great White North taking the Grand Old Party by storm — strutting, waving and winking her way down Main Street toward 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Then parlaying her newfound fame into fortune as visionary CEO of the multimillion-dollar, multimedia conglomerate Barracuda Inc.
God bless America.
God bless real America, that is.
In her now-famous “Real America” speech Oct. 2008 in North Carolina, Sarah saluted the patriotic, hard-working citizens of “real America” and educated us on how to tell the “pro-America areas of this great nation” from those more likely to be harboring godless Obama-loving liberals.
But just who is the “real” Sarah Palin?
And is it true she can slaughter a herd of caribou with just her bare hands and those razor-sharp, pearly-white teeth?
Many of the answers can be found in her blockbuster bestseller “Going Rogue” — a book in which Palin talks so much about God “opening doors” for her, she makes Him sound a bit like her butler.
More clues are found in her new book, I mean automatic bestseller, “America by Heart” — described as a “tribute to American values” featuring attack essays, moose-innard recipes and love poems to Ronald Reagan.
(Sources say it is actually the next in a series of 60 or 70 chart-topping Palin books, with likely future themes to include vampires, polar bears and left-wing zombies.)
But Sarah Palin is such a vital and influential force in shaping our duh-mocracy that we believe it is our satiric, civic duty to satirize the material she so generously provides.
So whether you find her Alaska drawl melodious or odious, whether you’re just wild about Sarah or deeply tormented by the Wasilla Wonder — this is a parody for Palinistas of all political persuasions, genders and ethnicities, from right-wing goons to left-wing loons.
A book that both honors and embellishes her extraordinary, uniquely American journey — from near-Miss Alaska to her Cinderella-hockey-mom dash for D.C. glory.
Our crack team of investigative satirists has obtained exclusive documents shedding new light on how — despite quitting her job as Alaska governor and transferring power to Tina Fey that in fishy, salmon-swimming-upstream-of-consciousness resignation speech — her approval rating among her base still hovers at around 103%.
And we break exclusive new theories on why Sarah Barracuda is so fascinating — and polarizing — to real Americans everywhere. Why our irrepressible Caribou Barbie is a spunky, pro-life Mary Tyler Moore to millions and a white-trash White House wannabe to millions more.
Sure, she’s gorgeous. But she also combines brazen obliviousness about being in way over her head with an icy cold, Alaska toughness — exuding a sense that if you cross her, she’d be equally comfortable gutting you with an icicle or just shootin’ you in the face, Cheney-style.
What’s next for the Foxy Newsmaker? Smart money says she’ll use the promotional push behind “America by Heart” (Saturday’s stop: Des Moines, Iowa) to rev up a real-American run for the White House. Throw in “Dancing with the Stars” and her hit reality TV show and Sarah Palin is white-hot. We’re talkin’ red, white and blue hot!
Fortunately, we’re here to help you make sense of it all, with our fair and balanced Palinist Manifesto.
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Coming next:
CHAPTER 2: THE EARLY DAYS
Baby Sarah was born Feb. 11, 1964, in a nondescript manger in Sandpoint, Idaho, but moved to Alaska just six weeks later when her parents fled the Gem State to escape the ever-present threat of socialism.