OK, so here’s the deal. My bosses are pressuring me to provide 10-15 percent more laughs in each column.
So in order to better serve you, the reader, I have compiled this questionnaire as part of my work in the cutting-edge field of humor column research.
I’m hoping the data you provide by taking the following quiz will help me tap into the very marrow of the human funny bone.
The first 10,000 respondents may or may not be eligible to win a gold-embossed collector’s edition copy of my new worst-seller, “Jiminy Cricket: Man or Myth?” (Offer void in parts of South Berwick.)
To further incentivize your participation, I am also in a position to offer seven lucky readers a 50-cent gift certificate toward the purchase of any 2014 Dodge Durango SXT.
Now, to ensure optimum results, I must request that you please hold any laughter until the end of this column.
Warning: The following questions are “multiple choice,” so respondents will need a working knowledge of the “alphabet.”
1. Do you prefer humor columns that are:
A. Knee-slapping
B. Side-splitting
C. Rib-tickling
D. Gut-busting
E. Windpipe-constricting
F. Myocardial infarction-inducing
2. When is your favorite time to read humor columns?
A. During an intimate moment with a loved one.
B. While speeding down the freeway, drinking hot coffee and texting a friend.
C. After my weekly liposuction treatment.
D. In those peaceful, solitary moments just before flushing.
E. Never; the very thought of smiling, or God forbid laughing, makes me physically ill.
3. What is your favorite snack to nibble on while reading humor columns? (Select up to 6)
A. Kippered herring
B. Tofu jerky
C. Lima bean pizza
D. Deep-fried whatever
E. Refried greens
F. Oysters Rockefeller
G. Spam-flavored lollipops
H. Peanut brittle and root beer
I. 2.5 oz. of Beluga caviar
J. That nasty brown stuff that Grandma used to make
K. Pepto-Bismol
L. Froot Loops
M. Cough syrup
N. Eucalyptus leaves
O. Lobster Thermidor
P. Flintstone Chewable Vitamins
Q. Cornpone fritters
R. Fresh-caught hake
S. Gluten-free Welsh rarebit
T. 12 Naragansett tall boys
U. Swordfish Mac & Cheese
V. Blazin’ Five-Alarm Triple-Jacked Queso Grande Dude Ranch Doritos
W. Mustard pickles
X. Assorted nuts and berries
Y. Flo’s Hot Dogs
Z. Peking duck
4. What is your current employment status?
A. Pencil pusher
B. Suit
C. Dot-com geek
D. Working stiff
E. Replaceable cog in soul-less machine
F. Don’t know
5. What is your current family status?
A. Single
B. Double
C. Dysfunctional
D. Divorced, remarried and living in squalor with 3.5 kids, 6.5 cats and a mischievous gerbil named Petey.
6. What is your current financial status?
A. Dirt poor
B. Filthy rich
C. Job creator
D. Self-made pauper
E. Assets not sufficient to maintain the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed
F. None of your (@#$&*@#$) business.
7. How much would you pay for this column if it was not provided free as part of this fine newspaper and/or Web site?
A. 1 yen
B. Red cent
C. Plug nickel
D. 5 bitcoins
E. $1.2 million
F. Would rather “barter” goods and services
8. What is your Social Security number?
A. Just kidding. This is a trick question.
You should never reveal your Social Security number to anyone who is not a certified Internet scammer.
Oops, just kidding again. You should never reveal your Social Security number or bank information to anyone — not even people from Nigeria who e-mail you in broken English offering to wire large sums of cash into your account.
Also, be wary of op-ed columnists offering ridiculous prizes to get you to participate in a “quiz” under the guise of “cutting-edge humor column research.”
9. What are some of your favorite humor column topics? (Select up to 6)
A. Society’s seamy underbelly
B. The mating rituals of the indigenous North American loser
C. Porcelain fixtures and matters involving the human digestive system
D. Blondes
E. Hilarious and unexpected groin injuries caused by small children
F. Knock knock
G. Humpbacked whales
H. Humpbacked politicians
I. The role of monkeys in U.S. foreign policy
J. Doomsday theories and prophecies
K. Polish sausages and/or kielbasas
L. Islamic terrorists equipped with U.S. weapons raising hell in a country we invaded under false pretenses
M. Sex
10. What is your greatest fear?
A. Fear itself
B. Snakes on a plane
C. Congress
D. Children from south of the border
E. Missing an important final exam because you have no clothing and can only run in slow-motion.
Congratulations. Now that you have completed the questionnaire, you are eligible to enrich your life by reading my rantings as often as you can stomach it.
However, I know your time is at a premium so before you just jump onto the bandwagon, I’m sure you’ll want all the facts.
Consider:
1. John Breneman humor columns offer 24 percent more insipid punch lines than the other leading brand.
2. Each week, we will print a generous supply of comical words like “beancurd,” “dookie” and “government.
3. Special bonus columns will be peppered with rib-splitting words like “putty,” “angstrom unit” and “Jello-brand gelatin.”
4. We also offer groundbreaking special reports like “True Confessions of a Reformed Praying Mantis,” “The Trouble With Genetically Engineered Brussels Sprouts” and “Youth Violence: Friend Or Foe?”
5. And finally, this column has been endorsed by groups as diverse as People for the Ethical Treatment of People, Ugly Step-Daughters of the American Revolution and the National Water Pistol Association.
— John Breneman