TRIPLE ACTION FIREARMS

When Does It End (if not Parkland)?

One night in 2018, my favorite creative collaborator and I both had bullets on the brain due to the latest shooting; this time it was Parkland. So we started a song; he finished it off later that night, then several evenings later blasted a live version at a local open mic night. Here is renaissance rap trumpet troubadour Chris Elliott doing “When Does It End (if not Parkland)?”

Ask Professor Gunn: Firearms advice columnist

During part of my time as a journalist, I wrote Sunday columns (mostly humor) for my local paper. Frustrated and angry after Travon Martin was murdered in Florida, I published a piece satirizing America’s absurd gun laws and unregulated firearm carnage. The following Sunday, I published a follow-up chronicling the angry blowback that I received. It is some hard-edged satire that I remain proud of today.

Professor Gunn

Due to some recent confusion about when it is OK to shoot someone, today we check in with noted firearms advice columnist Professor Gunn, who generously agreed to answer a few questions from readers.

Dear Professor Gunn,

For a good while now I’ve been itching to shoot a fellow human being, but I’m a little worried that our judicial system might send me to jail. What should I do?

— George Z., Main Street

Dear George,

Fortunately, the law is on your side. Especially if the person you shoot has dark skin or is wearing a spooky-looking hooded sweatshirt. So go ahead and blast away …

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Follow-up: Gun satire draws verbal fire

I wrote a column about guns last Sunday, and came away feeling like I stepped on a land mine. (No offense intended to the pro-land mine people.)

The piece of satire that made a lot of people furious was titled “Questions about firearms? Ask Professor Gunn.”

I concocted an imaginary, inflammatory Professor Gunn (a “noted firearms advice columnist”) to respond to imaginary questions about the role of firearms in our society. It was some dark, in-your-face satire — borne out of frustration.

Frustration that, as seen recently in Florida, it is apparently legal for an armed man to track an unarmed man (or teenager) and then, when the confrontation he initiated turns against him, to kill the man (or teenager) he was pursuing without any courtroom consequences.

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Welcome to Guntown

A darkly satirical look at the ridiculous NRA quote: “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun.”

.44 Magnum cum laude

Excerpts from an imaginary Clint Eastwood commencement speech.

Read it, punk