Single orange female [Sex, love and personal ads]
Single white single guy, seeking any single girl who will talk to me for more than 3.7 minutes. Wish I could tell you how pretty your eyes are but I’ve only had seven vodka tonics. OK, bye. Turn-ons: Nice smiles. Turn-offs: Awkward grimaces.
Sincere single girl seeking mature, compassionate young man who truly understands how to treat a woman. Just kidding! How about an emotionally stunted man-boy who can’t stop talking about his Jet-Ski? Turn-ons: Unicorns. Turn-offs: Corn-cob pipes.
Divorced male, 14 kids, unemployed, bad back, on probation, seeking buxom hellcat to help polish my ankle bracelet and manage my scratch-ticket portfolio. Don’t judge me by my Charles Manson tattoo. Friends say I have a winning personality. Turn-ons: Schlitz Malt Liquor. Turn-offs: Sleeves.
Chain-smoking single mom with major heart problems seeks nicotine-loving 35yo male who looks at least 20 years older. Join me for very short walks on the beach as we find love while flicking cigarette butts into the sand. Turn-ons: Raspy voices. Turn-offs: Nagging doctors.
Me Tarzan. You Jane. It’s a jungle out there, so let’s meet for some monkey business at the Green Monkey. If there’s a connection I’ll show you my collection of leopard-skin loincloths. Turn-ons: Pina coladas. Turn-offs: Global warming.
Blunt, classy woman who loves having adult conversations about (bleep), (expletive) and (censored). Seeking a sophisticated gentleman who won’t be intimated when I talk about (expletive), (censored) and (bleep). Turn-ons: (Censored). Turn-offs: (Bleep).
Single pale Puritan seeking a chaste, loyal, sturdy woman to bear and rear 15-18 children. Must have quiet disposition, Popeye-like forearms and healthy team of oxen. Turn-ons: Windmills and straw hats. Turn-offs: Modern-day gadgets and gasoline-powered contraptions.
35yo female gun enthusiast seeking heavily armed, camouflage-clad militia type who won’t be afraid to Stand Your Ground when the jack-booted government goons come for our guns. Someone who likes canoodling at the target range and romantic pillow talk about the Second Amendment. Turn-ons: Guns as a metaphor for sex. Turn-offs: Firing blanks.
Shallow middle-aged phony seeking hot blonde mistress to take my mind off rapidly aging trophy wife. Perfectly proportioned 21yo model type preferred. Must enjoy meaningless encounters based on mutual exploitation. Turn-ons: Talking like Thurston Howell III. Turn-offs: Authenticity.
Single orange female seeking illiterate steroid-pumped goon to help cover those hard-to-reach areas with my spray-on tan. Must enjoy tequila jello shots, projectile vomiting and long walks on the Jersey Shore. Turn-ons: Reality TV. Turn-offs: Books.
Boy seeks girl for friendship, romantic intrigue and infinite possibilities. Must love puppies and hate political gridlock. Turn-ons: Tugboats and seahorses. Additional turn-ons: Picnics, firewater and spontaneous laughter.
Single wide 500-pound morbidly obese hag seeking cute Justin Timberlake type for eternal unconditional love and/or casual sex. Let me rock your world while causing seismic geological tremors throughout a half-mile radius. Turn-ons: Lobster bibs. Turn-offs: Salad.
Tall, dark and satirical. Charismatic creative artist type seeks bright, passionate, free-spirited single supermom who enjoys lifelong DIY projects, channeling positive energy and creating beauty everywhere she goes. Turn-ons: Aww yeeaah! Turn-offs: Traffic jams.