‘American Carnage’ — Jan. 20, 2017

Following a historic mudslide victory that promises to pave the way for future con men, pathological liars and alleged sexual predators to ascend to the most powerful office on Planet Earth, America today inaugurated the first fake president in the nation’s 250-year history — President @RealDonaldTrump.

With his tiny left hand on a Gideon Bible and his wee little right hand behind his back with his fingers crossed, the incoming fake president pledged to uphold the Constitution — a “really terrific document” that he swears he has definitely read, or at least been briefed on the bullet points.

Now etched in history, the image of the reality TV billionaire presidential oaf reciting the same words once uttered by Abraham Lincoln and Richard Nixon — looking totally classy in a Chinese suit and Mexican tie from the Donald Trump Menswear Collection — truly validates the saying that a picture is worth 140 characters.

The presidential oath, though brief, is a full 200 hundred characters including spaces, which greatly exceeds the number of characters that President @RealDonaldTrump customarily uses to communicate at the American people.

Though much of the news media conspired against him by accurately reporting on his words and actions, the incoming fake president simply dismissed as “fake news” any report that he disagreed with or that was critical of his obvious magnificence.

Boosted by a groundbreaking Russian propaganda campaign, unprecedented assistance from the director of the FBI and a campaign strategy depicting his opponent as a notorious criminal and a woman, Trump easily outpaced Hillary Clinton by a historic margin — minus-2.9 million votes.

Total votes: @RealDonaldTrump

Total votes: Hillary Clinton

Day 2: Portsmouth, NH

(Jan. 21, 2017) As Americans all around America rallied to defend America against Fake President Donald Trump and his dystopian “American Carnage” vision of our nation on Saturday, several thousand spirited souls gathered here in downtown Portsmouth, NH, a proudly historic community with direct connections Real President George Washington.

Angry Trump guy smacks my iPhone right out of my hand

People brought positive energy, optimism and colorful, creative homemade protest signs. I was soaking it all in and shooting video with my iPhone when an angry Trump fan smacked my phone right out of my hand and onto the pavement. STORY AND VIDEOS

However, Fake President @RealDonaldTrump won that thing called the Electoral College. Then he paid $25 million to settle the fraud lawsuit filed against his fake college, Trump University.

Trump has truly defied the odds every step of the way, ever since he launched his meteoric rise to the presidency by riding down the golden escalator at Trump Tower and boldly calling out those Mexican rapists who are ruining our country and must be kept out with an $8 billion wall.

Is @RealDonaldTrump a Really Fake President?

Following his election, there has been some confusion and controversy over whether @RealDonaldTrump truly qualifies as a fake president, as some high-profile observers have claimed that Trump is actually a real president.

However, @RealDonaldTrump is easily able to overcome such naysayers — providing fresh evidence every single day to bolstering his status as America’s first fake president. For example:

  • Real presidents do not ban all Muslims from entering the United States on the basis of their religion.
  • Real presidents do not avoid paying income tax for a decade by claiming nearly a billion-dollar loss on a single year’s tax return.
  • Real presidents rarely claim that an American war hero was only called a war hero because he was captured.
  • Real presidents do not pledge to create a “deportation force” to remove millions of illegal immigrants.
  • Real presidents do not talk openly about killing the family members of terrorists and suspected terrorists.
  • Real presidents do not state that a Mexican-American federal judge could not perform his sworn duties because of his race.
  • Real presidents to not opine that it might be a good idea for Japan and South Korea to get ahold of some nuclear weapons.
  • Real presidents do not talk about having sex with their other daughter.
  • Real presidents do not boast, regarding women, that because he was a star he could “grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
  • Real presidents do not brag about barging into the dressing rooms of beauty pageants to eyeball scantily clad contestants.
  • Real presidents do not speculate about their newborn daughter’s future cleavage.
  • Real presidents seldom are accused of sexual harassment by more than a dozen women.
  • Real presidents do not assert during a presidential debate that he would appoint a special prosecutor tasked to lock up his opponent.
  • Real presidents, as a general rule, do not say “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK? It’s like incredible.”
  • Real presidents do not start a fake university and then settle a fraud lawsuit for $25 million.
  • Real presidents do not hire contractors to work for him and then refuse to pay them for their work.
  • Real presidents do not make off with millions after bankrupting several Atlantic City casinos.
  • Real presidents do not boast about bringing jobs back from China / despite selling clothes and other products that are made in China and elsewhere.
  • Real presidents do not pretend the previous president is not American in order to win votes from racists.
  • Real presidents rarely receive enthusiastic support from the Ku Klux Klan.
  • Real presidents have never been known to talk about the size of their genitalia in presidential debate.
  • Real presidents do not mock disabled people.
  • Real presidents don’t suck up to Russian President Vladimir Putin.
  • Real presidents tend to at least pretend to be decent human beings.

Today he takes office as the first chief executive to represent the Orange Whig Party — having inspired millions of angry, disaffected voters with his visionary 5-point plan to Make America Great Again by building that wall, banning the Muslims, draining the swamp, suppressing the press and locking up his Democratic opponent.

Polls showed that countless voters were inspired by his fake economic populism, others by his refreshingly candid straight talk about grabbing women by the pussy, and still others by his fake news crusade to delegitimize his predecessor by pretending that President Obama was a Muslim who was born not in his actual birthplace of Hawaii, but somewhere in the deep, dark jungles of Kenya.

Sadly, some high-profile critics are already casting a shadow over his glorious triumph. Harking back to Trump’s own words from his now-famous “Mexicans Are Rapists” speech announcing his candidacy for fake president, presidential historian Rasputin Goldfarb acknowledged that Trump electrified the electorate, mobilizing millions of voters. But he added, “When Trump brings people out to the polls, he’s not bringing the best. They’re angry, confused. They’re racists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

Inauguration Day carries special meaning for everyone who cast a vote for Donald Trump to become America’s first fake president — somehow choosing to overlook his real racism and sexism, his greed and pettiness, his moral repugnance and smarmy insanity.

Also his lack of empathy and his hollow soul. His loose talk about nuclear weapons. His cluelessness about geopolitical concerns and his Manchurian-like coziness with Russia. His weird, insecure tendency to constantly brag about how smart and great he is. His inability to refrain from tweeting utter bullshit at any hour of the day or night. His near-carnal lust for revenge and his knee-jerk need to be a jerk.

It is also a great day for Vladimir Putin and the Ku Klux Klan; Wall Street, the corporate world and the people who already have all the money.

However, it is a very bad day for people who like their Constitutional rights, children who want public education, gay people and minorities, people who care about health care and those who hope Social Security will be there when they retire.

January 20, 2017 — Inauguration Day for Fake U.S. President @RealDonaldTrump — is also a gray day for Planet Earth.

What would Donald Trump have tweeted about the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Smoking Out Censorship

In response to censorship by Fake President @RealDonaldTrump, the National Park Service is going rogue — launching a citizen Twitter feed (@AltNatParkSer) that Trump cannot silence with a gag order.

Using Trump’s favorite means of communicating at the American people against him (which I first read about here) is a brilliant strategy that should be replicated for every area of American life where @BogusPotus tries to suppress and distort the truth!

Yosemite Sam could not be reached for comment.